Revocation of Independence

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9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called «crisps.» Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as «beer.» Substances once known as «American Beer» will henceforth be referred to as «Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,» except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called «Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.» This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

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12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as «beer», and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as «Lager». The substances formerly known as «American Beer» will henceforth be refered to as «Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine», with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as «Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine». This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

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10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries – light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

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